I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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