mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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