I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
