remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
