i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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