Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
