dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
