last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
