Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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