Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Also, beer. Big fan.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
