I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
