even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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