What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You are a genius and a whore.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
