Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
