I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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