he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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