I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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