I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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