Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I intend to get homeless drunk
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
