Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
it's like iHOP with fire
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
