I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
