chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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