I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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