Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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