I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
