If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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