how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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