Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
