I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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