I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
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