You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
