Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
