he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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