So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
