He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
