White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
