My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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