3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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