I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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