ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
