Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
