sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You pole danced in your parka.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
