why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
