i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
