apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
