there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
