you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
