these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
