Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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