You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
