I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
