she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
