So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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