i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
