birth control should be required to get into college
Someone shattered a urinal.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
