Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
