I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
