I got chris browned last night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
