Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
